beautiful magnolia blossom at Wellington Botanical Gardens
As usual there's no place to start. My life is an ever stranger continuum of crumbling illusion, dynamite, flying walls and windows and glass. What shape I am or will become I cannot say; I am only occupied with becoming less and less and less of who and what I once was.
As it reduces I do not miss that old agony, although the transformation itself is by turns challenging, disorienting and even painful.
The elusive root of my lack of abundance
Close to three years ago I became determined to find and deal with the root of my continued and complete frustration with lack of financial sufficiency. Curiosity, exploration, twists and turns, failure, loss, betrayal, dead ends, realisations small and large, indications of a shift in progress ... I had no clue how deep the rotten foundations went.
bright yellow gorse flowers, sweet scent and thorns
Perhaps I still have no idea. For now my journey of discovery seems without end, indeed, almost without destination. Each step is its own reason and I look no further ahead.
Our most precious ideals and visions become irrelevant when the paradigms in which they belong collapse. Like an insubstantial house of cards, tumbled by a stray breeze or the careless touch of a finger. Nothing more than smoke, passing illusion, freedom in the dissolving.
The hard-wired neurological truth that's kept me fearful and poor
Just over four weeks ago I embarked upon a process which is remodelling my brain. Never mind how, that's not important now. What matters is this process is literally pruning out unhelpful connections between neurons, and disassembling unhelpful brain engrams, memories, emotions and automatic responses.
late afternoon sundog over Newlands
It was tough and sometimes it still is tough. But it's awe-inspiring watching as I physically train my nervous system out of extremely ingrained and powerfully negative automatic responses which have literally been running (and ruining) my life since for ever.
Long lost memory of abundance
In the process I've recognised foundational limitations I never imagined were in play. I've even remembered a time when I was truly and comprehensively and coherently happy ... and that's a strange thing because I've not been able to do that before. Very young. Long forgotten and buried.
bright tulips and deep blue forget-me-nots at Wellington Botanical Garden
I even know what 'story' I've been running since then. Nothing I'd ever have guessed. Around age two I started to believe "life is too painful to participate" (It's nobody's fault.)
It's impossible to succeed with a story like that resonating in your Field.
Because the Universe has no choice, it must faithfully reproduce the truth we hold within ourselves. The awe-ful thing is, our most powerful commands to the Universe are usually those we've no idea we're sending.
We can't see our most powerful blocks to abundance
Dr Bruce Lipton talks about how 95% of the subconscious programmes we run are negative, self-defeating and self-sabotaging. I always agreed with his statement, but now I actually KNOW from my own experience!
After all the work I've already done towards my own healing over nearly 30 years, I can say it's absolutely true - we can't see our most limiting subconscious programmes, no matter how hard we look.
They're beyond wallpaper, beyond the walls or the ground or anything you can see.
They're like the sea to a fish. Assumed. Immersive. Normal.
And therefore invisible.
So I've stopped looking
I don't have to look any more. I don't even have to try to negotiate with immoveable barriers, analyse reasons why, look for root causes, or even apply positive thinking. Now I can simply recognise unhelpful emotions and neutralise them, along with all the neurological hard-wiring that grew and developed to support them in the first place.
spring magnolias in Wellington Botanical Gardens
A thousand thousand thoughts and small fears and wonderings and questions and assessments of the world, each one firing a specific set of neurons. An engram. The more an engram gets used, the stronger it becomes. More neurons connect up to support it. Other similar and related engrams get connected up so they fire together. It can be enough so neurochemistry shifts ... biochemistry shifts ... the body changes ... and always, instantly, my Field changes, broadcasting the combined resonance of my engrams and the 'reality' I hold ... 24/7.
The universe must reply in kind.
Instead I'm rewiring my abundance hardware
Now I can work directly with my neurology to change the hardware which supports the software. Simply and powerfully and effectively. For once I'm not going to try to tell you how. I'm sure that will come later but now is too soon.
Perhaps you can sense a certain strangeness in my writing. Something elusive and undefinable. I know I do. Maybe it's only a reflection of me in this transitory Now. A certain detachment I think.
I don't know what tree blooms with these dangling flowers ... only that I like them
Perhaps I notice the diminishment of an invisible strangling fear which has shaped my experience as profoundly as continental drift shapes land. No matter, I cannot describe my experience accurately, or more likely I do not wish to invest in yet more story.
Emerging into a different galaxy
Everything is transient, ensyth are also deeply involved in this comprehensive healing process. I recall the validity of what we did and can do together, but do not know what shape it will take when our fractal has completed its convolutions, transformations ... morphing and shifting and blending paradigms and realities and truths until there is little left of any substance.
Now THAT is the truth of who we are. My life has been so much beloved illusion, a house of cards. A collection of stories and habits and choices built up over lifetimes, hard coded into the physiology of my brain, serving as the three dimensional generative point for the Field of my universal consciousness.
It's changing so much I walk through a door and find myself in a different galaxy.
brilliant red azalea blooms at Wellington Botanical Garden
Yet my perception of energy, once insightful but slow, is now razor sharp. Instant, clear, immediate. My healing brain becomes a much more efficient receiver and processor of this information, yet I don't know how I will use it. I suspect I will be able to do whatever is required.
Will energy work become obsolete for me?
As part of my process I had to stop doing energy work for 28 days. Short version, energy work cuts across the neurological healing process, and so I found it necessary and worthwhile to do. I'm back in the saddle now but my perspective has shifted.
... the impact of new information, new technology, so simple anyone can do it ... energy work is still valid but seems ... for the moment ... inefficient ... old tech. I think I am too close to this experience to put it in context. Later.
How ridiculous if an unproductive story or belief or emotion can be neutralised in minutes without analysis, intention or any kind of mental or energetic effort. Oh it's still work, but it is practical, simple, anyone can do it if they are willing to do it, and it works.
just bursting maple buds
So my paradigms are collapsed, stripped ever more back to reality, which is nothing. And I am happy here. How odd is that.
Here nothing pure essence, void, potential, being-ness. Beyond story, beyond any 'why', beyond explanation, need, fear, loss, joy or sorrow.
Peace. And freedom.